Hopeless, Hopeless Basketball Dorks
by TheChestnutTree
Summary: From ridiculous drunk conversations to disastrous group vacations to panicking inadequate father's, it becomes more and more clear that these basketball dorks are like fish out of the water off the court. And hopeless dorks on the court for that matter.
1. Hopeless, Hopeless Fathers

Fatherhood!KnS+Kagami

It was chaos, and Kagami was at the center of it all, being the only one who seemed to have a shred of common sense and be able to function without his wife around.

"Why is she still crying? Oh sweetie please don't cry! Taiga-cchi, help me!" Kise was in a very panicked state as he ran around helplessly with his baby daughter in his arms.

"Stop screaming, Ryouta and just let her sleep!" Kagami shouted back, taking the child and placing her in a nearby crib.

"B-but she needs her daddy!" Kise wailed, picking the baby up again.

"Why won't they eat, Taiga?" Aomine demanded furiously. He was holding both his and Murasakibara's sons while Mura went to fetch more diapers.

"Because. They. Can't. Eat. Meat. Yet." Kagami said through gritted teeth, replacing the large steaks with baby food. Aomine was a surprisingly good cook, and he looked down at the mush, insulted.

"No baby of mine will eat this garbage." He said, walking into the kitchen muttering what sounded like demonic chants under his breath, but Kagami had no time to worry about that because Kuroko suddenly appeared beside him.

"I can't find my daughter. She disappeared." Kuroko had a strangely calm, proud look on his face.

"Now isn't the time, Tetsuya!" Kagami said, grabbing the nearest moving object that had a tuft of baby blue hair. For some reason, Kuroko's daughter was strangely attached to Kagami and was always within grabbing distance. "Here she is..."

Kagami sat beside his own son, who was sleeping peacefully somehow...then, the door opened. Midorima and Akashi came in, the only two childless out of the original gang. Midorima was still getting his PhD, and had firmly decided on no children until both he and his wife had a steady career and a stable income. Akashi had a similar situation, only he was wrapped up in the complex customs of the upper class, and was still convincing his parents that his girlfriend was worthy of joining the household.

They took one look at the mayhem, and Midorima, who had taken care of his baby sister as a kid, kicked all the fathers with the exception of Kagami out. Midorima held up Kagami's son with a look of horrid fascination. "Amazing, Taiga. Your son is asleep..."

Akashi chuckled, surveying the mess.

"You certainly have your hands full, Taiga."

Kagami flopped into the nearest chair. "More so with the fathers than with the children, actually."

They tried to ignore the shrieking of Kise, the angry yells of Aomine and the thumping of Murasakibara's fist against the door. It became difficult once Kuroko started launching basketballs at the door.


	2. Hopeless, Hopeless Otaku

A/N: I'm jumping on the Otaku!Akashi bandwagon. This was hard to write while keeping spoilers nonexistent so...proceed with caution in case I accidentally flubbed a bit. (I do think I did a pretty good job with being extra careful)

"Hey, Midorima...why was Akashi adding 'Dattebayo' to his sentences? It's weirding me out." Aomine whispered.

"You can blame that on Kuroko." Midorima huffed, and Aomine looked around for a while before Kuroko appeared right behind him.

"Ah. I'm sorry, I lent Akashi a copy of Shounen Jump a while ago. It seems, he has begun reading manga."

"Seriously? Akashi-cchi? Manga? AKASHI-CCHI?" Kise looked positively amused, and Aomine smirked.

"Who would've pegged Akashi as an Otaku..."

"Ah, never mind that! Aomine-cchi, let's go play one on one!"

"...again? Kise, where do you get this endless energy?"

A couple days later, Kuroko overheard Akashi muttering, "Hmm...he has red hair, his mother died, his family doesn't love him, he has impressive power, and to justify his existence, he kills...somehow, I can relate..." Needless to say, Kuroko avoided Akashi for a while until he deemed the redhead to have no intentions of committing homicide...or until he was sure that Akashi had further into the series to persuade him otherwise.

"Kuroko...did you get Akashi to read Inuyasha?" Midorima asked in an accusing voice.

"No. What happened?"

"I live near a shrine, Kuroko! With a WELL. Akashi was very interested." Midorima emphasised.

"...I apologise, Midorima-kun."

"Hmph. I suppose this is out of our control now."

"Indeed."

* * *

To Kuroko and Midorima, it became increasingly easy to predict Akashi's mood depending on what he was reading. If a character died, they knew to tip-toe around the redhead and be as invisible (ha) as possible. If he got into a sports manga (double-ha) they would prepare for hellishly brutal practice inspired by said manga. Aomine and Kise didn't seem to mind. They had mostly found it hilarious, but never openly teased Akashi...they were smart enough to be wary whilst Akashi read 'Detective Conan', in case he got any ideas. Murasakibara and Haizaki, on the other hand, couldn't seem to care less. This went on for a good two months until the real storm came along...

"Hey, Midorima...why was Akashi counting down in intervals of seven just a while ago? It was kinda creepy." Aomine walked over to the spectacled boy, whispering so that their teammate couldn't hear.

"You can blame that on Kuroko." Midorima huffed, and Aomine around for a while before Kuroko appeared right behind him. "I believe that Akashi has begun to read Tokyo Ghoul..."

Kuroko, Midorima and Murasakibara watched as the two walked away. Midorima adjusted his glasses, "I don't think that they'll be laughing for long...hey, Kuroko. Has Akashi finished the series yet?"

"Not that I know of. Should we warn him?" They two never saw eye to eye, but this was a special situation...

"Warn what?" Murasakibara asked, not very interested. He tried to feed Kuroko a potato chip, but was politely declined.

Midorima ignored the question. "You couldn't have convinced Akashi to read...a shoujo manga or something?"

"Of course not. A shoujo manga may just kill us, if the romantic endeavour does not proceed in the direction he wished.." Kuroko answered, and Midorima grudgingly nodded. "Besides, how was I supposed to know? That chapter greatly shocked me as well..."

* * *

*the next day*

"Oi, Midorima. Why is Akashi muttering, 'I must correct this wrong world...' It's creepy. He was holding a bouquet of white roses and those flowers of death." Kise asked, stalking up to Midorima, who glared at Kuroko.

"Lycoris Radiata. This is all your fault if he kills us today."

A/N: and that was me gently probing your subconscious into reading some of my favourite manga :3


	3. Hopeless, Hopeless Girls

In which Aomine's obsession with boobs is born (through traumatic experience). This takes place in their first year at Teiko. (Ignore the fact that Kise hadn't joined until their second year)

Midorima was contemplating whether or not it would be worth it to murder his team and be done with it all.

"You look so pretty Midorima-kun! Akashi-kun is just stunning! As expected Kise-kun, that suits you and...oh, Tetsu-kun is just perfect!" Satsuki clapped delightedly, stepping back to admire her handiwork, ignoring her failed projects (namely Aomine and Murasakibara).

"Thank you, Satsuki." It was true that Akashi's new look suited him surprisingly well. The smooth scarlet extensions blended perfectly with his natural hair, and he wore the pale blue and white kimono with the dignity and grace like a noble lady. Only Akashi could be so calm and composed while cross-dressing. He smiled slightly smugly at Aomine, who was sitting there in a dark red dress and half a face of makeup (Momoi had given up halfway through, deeming him not pretty enough).

"Aomine-kun, no need to be jealous." Kuroko deadpanned. At first he had been against this new project of Momoi's, but he couldn't pass up an opportunity to be better at Aomine and Murasakibara at something. Indeed, Kuroko looked like a delicate and demure girl. With his fair complexion, small frame and just a little bit of makeup, no one could deny how cute he looked.

"Shut up, Tetsuya. It's disgusting." Aomine was slightly confused, stuck between anger, annoyance, humiliation and he wouldn't admit it, but he was a little attracted to the female Kuroko (regardless of cup size).

"Kuro-chin is cute. Candy?" Mura was less bothered by the bizarre situation and not in the least bit upset that he couldn't fit into any of the outfits available. He was content helping himself to the free snacks Momoi had set out before hand, completely ignoring his own face of makeup. "Mido-chin is also very pretty."

At this, Aomine gave a bark of laughter. At last, someone who was more uncomfortable about the situation than he was. And Aomine refused to acknowledge that bastard's appearance. He drew the line at checking out Midorima, by that didn't stop him from teasing. "Yeah, it suits you, Midorima. You should've been born a girl."

Midorima adjusted his glasses, shooting Aomine a death glare. "Cancer has the worst luck today. I was careless to be dragged into the situation even though Oha-Asa had warned me that I'd be betrayed by my friends today."

"Oh, I don't consider you a friend." Aomine snorted.

"I wasn't referring to you." Midorima regarded the redhead beside him with a certain amount of contempt.

"Forgive me, Midorima." Akashi smiled. "But I too think you are suited to that look."

"Oha-Asa is never wrong." Midorima crossed his arms in annoyance. Though he was a too little tall, Momoi had been pleasantly surprised when Midorima had also turned into quite the mature beauty. He had the least makeup on.

"Momoi-cahn, this makeup is quite heavy." Kuroko commented.

"Hey, you'll get used to it!" Kise said, beaming. The model was probably the most comfortable in his makeup and outfit. "I'm pretty too, aren't I, Aomine-kun?"

"Hell no." Aomine growled, though he secretly thought otherwise. He called Midorima pretty because it would annoy the shooting guard, but Kise... Aomine reminded himself that a real girl had boobs. These were guys. Flat chested. GUYS. He must not be tricked. They had no boobs. Real girls had boobs.

"Do not worry about Aomine-kun. He is just jealous. Do tell us, Aomine-kun. Who are you attracted to the most?"

"EH? What the hell-"

"For me it is Kuro-chin." Mura answered, offering Kuroko candy again.

"Me too!" Momoi was gushing with affection.

"I do think Midorima is the most like my ideal type." Akashi commented shamelessly. "Even if he is male, I see no issue. I wouldn't mind-"

"I refuse to partake in this rediculous exchange." Midorima huffed.

"I choose Akashi." Kuroko added, and the redhead beamed.

"Ehhhh! What about meeee?" Kise whined. "Hey, aren't I pretty too?"

"Don't worry Kise. You are a very pretty girl." Momoi assured. Now, can everyone gather around? I want to make sure I haven't missed anything. You two, Daiki-kun. Murasakibara-kun."

The Miracles all stood infront of the pink-haired girl. Then, Akashi spoke. "Excuse me, Momoi. You haven't told us why we are dressed this way yet."

"Oh right...well, I was talking to someone in class who was saying that I didn't have enough female friends since I was with you guys all the time and..." Satsuki shrugged sheepishly. "Kise's sister told me that I was free to borrow her stuff. I was just curious about what it would be like, to have a lot of girl friends for a change but...now I realise it doesn't matter!"

"So this is Kise's fault." Midorima's eyes flashed dangerously. "I shall remember that..."

"Waaaah! Aomine-cchi, save meee!" Kise flung himself at Aomine, who was caught off guard and feeling very conflicted.

"Fuck, Kise get off!" Aomine flung Kise off and stormed out. "I've had it, I'm going home!"

They watched in silence as Aomine left. "Should we tell him that he is still wearing a dress and makeup?"

"No, leave him be." Midorima's tone was venomous. "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

"Momoi-chin...the makeup is getting itchy, can I wash it off now?"

"Hm? Oh, um...yeah, sure."

"Momoi-chan, please know that even though we may not be girls, we still are your friends."

"Indeed. Our gender should not be the important factor. Even if we were girls, that would not change how we feel about you."

"Yeah! But Momoi-cchi, you did a pretty good job with my makeup! I might get my agent to allow me to crossdress in some future shoots!"

"Y-Yes, thank you everyone!"

* * *

At home, Aomine was already on the dark side of the internet, furiously trying to wipe the entire memory of that day from his mind. From that day forth, he would not be tricked.

A/N: yeah, so this happened. I really was just thinking of why Aomine would be so obsessed with the female body. I do think that the rest of the KnS wouldn't be that restricted by gender or sexual orientation as much as he is (Midorima is just a little Tsundere and old-fashioned but he'll come around eventually). What do you all think? I wasn't sure if this was a little OOC or not...ugh, this is why I shouldn't word-vomit out chapters in the middle of the night and then post them on a whim. Edits will come soon to fix any mistakes.


	4. Hopeless, Hopeless Convoluted Plan

A/N: I'm not even sorry.

"You're saying that Taiga had no idea what-"  
"Not until he found one of Aomine-kun's magazines. Aomine-kun was horrified at Kagami-kun's lack of knowledge and lent him a huge box of magazines and videos. Kise-kun teased him about how pure he was for months. When Akashi-kun found out via the others, he had sat Kagami-kun down and explained patiently to him about how it all worked and how the magazines and DVDs were incorrect, consent, etc. He went into such extensive detail that we had to call Midorima-kun to intervene. He blocked our numbers so Takao-kun came instead and was not at all helpful. He managed to stun Aomine and Kise into running away. I believe he and Akashi are now penpals."  
"Wow, what exactly did he add?"  
"U-Um...Kuroko-kun, Alex... please, we are in a public place..." Himuro fidgeted nervously, but no one seemed to even turn their head their way. Still, he changed the subject just to be safe. "Taiga was always like that. Ever since starting basketball, he's had no room in his rain for anything else. Alex, do you want to show Kuroko-kun the video of Taiga sleep-walking?"  
"Oh! Of course! You see, Kuroko, Taiga used to sleep beside his basketball, and one time while staying at my place we woke up to this thumping sound? Turns out that Taiga was dribbling the ball...in his SLEEP."

* * *

Kagami entered Maji burger, slightly miffed. Kuroko had disappeared on him immediately after practice. Then, his Japanese teacher had found him and began telling him how horribly he was doing in class (Midorima had taken the pencil back). Then Hyuuga needed Kagami to watch over some new member's practice while he went to see the councillor for a good hour or so. Finally, Kagami arrived and ordered thirty burgers, used to the stares he recieved. While looking for a spot, two people caught his eye.  
"O-oi...ALEX?! TATSUYA?!"  
Himuro smiled, "Oh hello, Taiga. We just got here. Thought that we'd visit while Alex was in town."  
"Why-? When-?" Kagami was at a loss for words, and he almost sat down on Kuroko.  
"Kagami-kun, please don't sit on me." Kuroko said, "I do not wish to be flattened."  
Kagami jumped up, banging his knee against the table and then his head against the ceiling. "Fuck, Kuroko-"  
"Now, Taiga," Kuroko sounded overly condiscending, even without changing his tone, "just because you know about how to do it now, does not mean that it is okay to force yourself upon others."  
"That's right Taiga. Remember what Akashi-kun said-"  
"Alex shut up!" Kagami roared, starig at the three of them in turn, thuroughly mortified. "Okay, first. Kuroko you're a bastard and I would flatten you if Riko wouldn't kill me for doing so. Second, how the hell do you know these two bastards? Third..."  
Kagami swore with such creativity that Kuroko wondered how he was so bad in Japanese to be failing all the time. It was clear that he had an abundant vocabulary when it came to cussing.  
"D-Dear customer, you are bothering our other patrons. Please-" a serving girl came over, looking as if she wanted to cry.  
"Yes, we will be leaving shortly. I'm sorry for any disturbances my brother has caused." Himuro smiled and Kuroko could practically see cupid's arrow piercing the girl. She left, looking as if she wante to cry but for a completely different reason.  
Once they were outside, Kagami wished that they had stayed in Maji burger. It seemed that the only thing keeping Himuro from teasing him like Alex and Kuroko were his manners. And those manners had NEVER applied to Kagami.  
"But really, Taiga. If you had stayed in America for a few more years, I'm sure that you would've learned everything in Sex Ed class."  
"TATSUYA."  
"Taiga, remember to use a condom, okay? Kuroko, I'm sure that Akashi went over STDs? Do I need to cover anything?"  
"ALEX."  
"Yes, Akashi-kun was quite clear. He had borrowed specimen's from Midorima-kun's father. Without Midorima-kun's knowledge, of course."  
"KUROKO."  
"Yes, Kagami-kun, I am aware that you know my name." Then Kuroko added something in English that made Kagami feel like punching something. "You fucking bastard."  
Kagami glared at his mentor and brother accusingly. "Okay, which one of you two gave Kuroko a sense of humor and a dirty mouth and how do I fix him."  
"We told him that it meant stupid idiot." Alex said, doubling over with laughter.  
Kuroko looked miffed. "Alex-san, Himuro-kun, I had thought we agreed to team up against Kagami-kun."  
"I'm sorry, Kuroko but now you know how to insult people in English."  
"HA?!"

* * *

Kagami was tired. Alex had finally gone to sleep, and Himuro was snoring softly on the couch. He needed a voice of reason, and clearly only one person in the Kiseki no Sedai was sane.  
"Kagami. It is past one, what do you want?"  
"Midorima, my mentor and brother broke Kuroko. He's telling jokes and swearing and-"  
"Stop this nonsense, I need to sleep. You do too, it is clear that you're imagining things."  
"Oi, Midorima-"  
*beep*  
After much internal debate, he decided to call Akashi. Just as he began dialling, the phone rang.  
"Akashi? How'd you-"  
"The Emperor Eye sees the future, Kagami-kun."  
"Wait, I'm not sure that's how it works and anyways aren't you supposed to be back to the original Akashi now or-"  
"If you want to fix Kuroko, buy him vanilla milkshakes for a month."  
"WHAT?!"  
"It works wonders. How else do you think he manages to stay so...vanilla all the time?"  
"...Um...thanks..." Kagami wondered if Akashi had made a joke, or if Midorima was right. Maybe he did need to go to sleep.  
"Not at all Kagami. Remember, if you need anything, do not hesitate to-"  
*beep* Kagami decided to go to sleep and just buy Kuroko the goddamn vanilla milkshakes.

* * *

"Kuroko, how'd it go?"

"Very well, thank you, Akashi-kun."  
"If you are ever short on money, I can always lend you some."  
"No, that's alright. This way, I had become close friends with Alex-san and Himuro-kun. They tell interesing stories about Kagami-kun."  
"I see. Well, goodnight, Kuroko."

A/N: In which:  
Kuroko is a manipulative little shit who is out of money but wants to drink vanilla milkshakes.  
Alex and Himuro exchange blackmail material on Kagami with Kuroko. The three are now bros.  
Also Himuro is a smooth little shit.  
Akashi is a very knowledgable little shit.  
Aomine and Kise are probably scarred for life.  
Takao finds Akashi hilarious, and Akashi finds Takao intriguing. They are now bros.  
Kagami wonders if it is too late to find new friends.  
Midorima gives zero fucks.  
Murasakibara was probably asleep through it all (he pulled a Roronoa Zoro, for One Piece fans)

Yeah, no regrets.

Except maybe Himuro was a little OOC? I'm sorry, big music exam coming up and word vomitting KNB drabbles gives me life.


	5. Hopeless, Hopeless Hawkeye

"Here you see a wild Midorima Shintarou in his natural habitat, the basketball court. Nicknamed Shin-chan, or Ace-sama, the Midorima Shintarou species is of the genus basketball player, and from the exceptionally rare class, the Kiseki no Sedai, subclass Shutoku." Takao whispered through barely controlled laughter. "The Shin-chan is an extremely 'tsun-tsun' creature, with rare 'dere' moments. The Shin-chan is also fascinating in his obsessive nature with horoscopes, particularly the intriguing 'Oha-Asa'. It is still unproven, though extensive studies have been conducted, on whether or not this mysterious 'Oha-Asa' is the source of the Shin-chan's miraculous accuracy when he is playing basketball. The Shin-chan shows no signs of urges to mate, though through meticulously observing the Shin-chan, we can conclude that his type is a mature, serious 'kuu-dere', who will undoubtedly match his 'tsun' with her 'kuu'. On the next episode, we will be attempting to find a suitable mate for the Shin-chan..."

"Takao-kun...you are enjoying this a little too much."

"Is that so? I guess it can be considered payback for me having to pedal the rickshaw all the time."

"You can always refuse, you know."

"Bah. Anyways, where was I? Right. As mentioned earlier, the Shin-chan is an organism classified as a 'tsundere'. Generally, he is very 'tsun', but we researchers have accumulated an impressive collection of the Shin-chan's 'dere' moments-"

"...Takao. Kuroko. What are you doing?"

*you have reached the end of the recording*

* * *

"...Akashi I know that this was your doing."

"What was?"

"Do not pretend to be ignorant, when we both know you are most certainly not."

"Why thank you, Midorima."

"Please, enlighten me. I am awfully curious as to why you had Takao and Kuroko attempt to make a...for lack of better term, nature documentary parody featuring me."

"Oh no, not just you."

"...was that why I had twenty missed calls from Kise and thirty vulgar text messages from Aomine that were not at all favourable towards Takao?"

"I suppose so."

"And I am going to assume that this was for your own merriment?"

"On the contrary, Midorima. In fact, I had been corresponding with the captains of your schools. It seemed that Kise and Aomine had been burdening their senpai. After consulting with Takao, I had decided to acquire more blackmail material in case of further disturbances."

"...were those photographs of us in female attire not humiliating enough for you, Akashi? Furthermore, surely my behaviour had been satisfactory at Shutoku?"

"Indeed they were, but I had been persuaded that this would be more amusing if I had gotten Kuroko and you involved. Sadly, Murasakibara is out of my co-conspirators range, so we limited ourselves to Tokyo."

"...your co-conspirator?"

"Kazunari Takao. We had been keeping in touch ever since I took it upon myself to educate Kagami and he was kind enough to help."

"...I see. Well, I must be going then, Akashi." Midorima hung up, expression unreadable.

* * *

"This is Akashi Seijurou speaking. Unfortunately, I am unable to answer to my cellular device at the moment. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as time allows. I apologise for the inconvenience."

*beep*

"SEI-CHAN SAVE ME! SHIN-CHAN IS-"

"Takao. Die."

"Wait, Kuroko! Don't leave me!"

"I'm sorry, Takao-kun."

"TRAITOR! HELP ME SEI-CHAN!"

A/N: Why yes, I do believe that Takao would attempt to get his well deserved revenge. Am I sorry that Akashi seems to be at the butt of all these jokes? Not at all. But, just in case this was getting a little Akashi-centric, next chapter features our favourite apologetic mushroom. (Also, how bout them pretty line breaks I added?)


	6. Hopeless, Hopeless Lies

A/N: barely a TFiOS trophy scene parody.

* * *

Aomine entered the former Touou captain's house with caution. As far as anyone knew, Imayoshi was a demon, but he was relieved to find the place relatively undemonic (minus couple points for those creepy vases). "Imayoshi! I'm here, you bastard!"

"Downstairs!"

Imayoshi's bedroom was as expected, completely void of personality. However, if you looked hard enough, you could find a basketball, horse gambling books and a chess set tucked away. Sakurai was there, having a very apologetic emotional breakdown, blubbering apologies.

"Oi, Sakurai-"

"Oh it's best not to talk to-"

"I'M SORRY!" Sakurai seemed to wail even louder.

"Great, he had JUST stopped shrieking. Here we go again...Sakurai." Imayoshi strolled over calmly, handing the second-year a basketball and drew a small 'x' on the wall near the ceiling. "That is the hoop. Shoot at it for stress relief."

"What's up with him?" Aomine winced at the loud thumping sound that the basketball made against what he hoped was a concrete wall.

"Oh, he had an argument with that cute girlfriend of his, then regretted it-"

"I'M SORRY TSUBAKI! I'M SORRY FOR ARGUING I'M SORRY BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND-"

Imayoshi leaned in closer so that Aomine could hear him over the cries of Sakurai. "Found him like this outside the university, brought him back to calm him down. Unfortunately, he accidentally broke one of my vases—not that I care, good riddance, I say—and he's been like that ever since. Unconsolable. Anyways, I called ya here for a different reason."

"...are you sure that we don't have to help him?"

"No, I called backup. Should be here after Seirin's game. Besides, he'll get tired after ten minutes or so."

"Seirin?"

"Never mind that, please tell me why ya left your gravure magazine here after our last tutoring session? My mom didn't appreciate the sight when she came in my room to call me for dinner." Imayoshi's eyes glinted furiously as he held up the magazine with Mai-chan on the cover.

"I'M SORRY! SORRY! SORRY!"

"My bad." Aomine reached for the magazine, but Imayoshi took a step back.

"Oh no, I can't just let you HAVE it after all the trouble I had to go through." Imayoshi mused. "Though, I must admit, it was...illuminating."

"What was? I'm sure you've read one before." Aomine snorted.

"My tastes are more sofisticated than yours, though I am surprised..." Imayoshi held up a picture and Aomine's blood froze. For a while, neither of them spoke, listening to Sakurai's screams as he chucked the basketball at the poor wall with the force triple that of Kuroko's Ignite Pass. Aomine marvelled at how nothing had been broken yet, but Imayoshi really didn't have much in the spacious basement.

"That picture..." How was he supposed to explain having a picture of Midorima dressed as a girl (he had found Momoi's secret photo collection of them cross dressing one time)?

"She seems a little flat for your taste, doesn't she? But she's a real beauty, to be honest, a right and proper Japanese lady. Who is she?" Imayoshi mused, and Aomine felt both relief and horror when he realised that Imayoshi hadn't realised who it was. Was the former Touou captain... interested?

"Eh? How should I know?" Aomine did his best to feign innocence, but he was stupid for even trying.

"Oh? Then how do you explain the Teiko uniforms in the background, and the reflection of that Emperor boy in the mirror behind this lovely lady?"

"Err..." Sakurai's constant shrieking and the basketball didn't help with his concentration. In truth, Aomine had kept several photos just as a comparison to convince himself of Mai-chan's superiority, and it had worked wonders. But Aomine was glad that Midorima's was the one Imayoshi had found. Midorima had grown like a weed since Teiko, and thanks to Momoi's makeup magic, Midorima looked more like his sister than himself. Aomine wouldn't get the end of it if Imayoshi had found the one of Kuroko, or God forbid, Akashi.

"Well?" Imayoshi asked innocently, but he made sure that the Touou ace saw the scissors dangling in the hand he was holding Mai-chan's magazine with. Scissors. What, did he learn from Akashi or something?

*thump* Sakurai's next shot startled Aomine so much that he immediately started talking.

"She is Midorima's younger sister and Akashi had a crush on her." Aomine blurted convincingly. "Midorima became satan himself once finding out that we had secretly taken a picture of his baby sister, almost eviscerating Kise. Akashi had forbidden us to ever talk about his feelings for her, or he'll dismember us. We were too scared to throw away the picture, in case Midorima got even more angry so I hid it somewhere I was sure he wouldn't dare look."

"I'M SORRY!" Sakurai wheezed, running out of breath.

God, Aomine wanted to die. The things he'd do to save Mai-chan. Even so, he was surprised that this satisfied the former Touou captain. Imayoshi shook his head, looking slightly disappointed. "No, that'll be fine. I have a girlfriend now, ya see. Dont fancy picking a fight with her OR your two crazy Teiko buddies. Shame, if she were your girl I could've had a lot more fun."

He had just wanted to mess with Aomine. That sadistic scheming Kansai bastard.

"I'M SORRY!" Sakurai's apologies had become less frequent, Aomine realised. He was getting tired.

Aomine wondered what kind of she-devil would date this demon in sheep's clothing, but he kept the thought to himself. Then, he realised that both the compuslive apologiser and the sadistic demon had girlfriends. Mai-chan is all I need, he reminded himself.

"Imayoshi-kun, I'm-oh, Aomine-kun?" Kuroko appeared at the staircase, and Aomine ripped both the magazine and the picture from Imayoshi's hand, storming out in a frenzied panic while trying to look nonchalant. "Yo. Testu, good luck with Sakurai."

Only when he was a safe distance away, did he truly began considering the terrifying possibilities on how Kuroko and Imayoshi were acquainted.

* * *

"...Imayoshi-kun, what did you do to Aomine-kun?"

"Nothing, nothing. We both don't want to be dismembered and eviscerated."

Kuroko decided that Something's are better left a mystery when it came to the former Touou captain, so he settled for consoling Sakurai.

* * *

A/N: Everything I tried to write with Sakurai as the main turned dark and angsty really fast, so I switched to the reliable ol' "Bully Aomine" script.

I'm sorry, this wasn't all that funny (crawls into a hole)


	7. Hopeless, Hopeless Doctor

A/N: In which Kuroko's wife is pregnant, the KnS are dorks and Midorima is so fucking done.

* * *

"Are you sure that she-" Kuroko began, scaring the hell out of Midorima, who was on his lunch break. Ha. "Lunch" at one a.m., consisting of several cups of coffee and a can of redbean soup. Midorima hated working overtime, but it was a necessary evil. He just wished Kuroko would stop with his old habit of being Casper the (Fucking Annoying) Friendly Ghost. More like poltergeist.

"Tetsuya," Midorima said flatly, "stay off WebMD and Wikipedia. Your wife is FINE."

Kuroko eyed him dubiously. "How do you know?"

"I'm. A. Doctor." Midorima wondered if he was allowed to hit someone. Just a little bit? He decided not to push his luck (he left his lucky item in his locker), and cursed Akashi for the hundredth time for recommending Kuroko to this hospital. "Your wife is perfectly healthy."

"But I want to know if it is normal for her to crave vanilla milkshakes with soysauce."

"It's normal. Don't you have a family doctor who you can bother with your comically irrelevant questions? Or Akashi?" Midorima snapped. He hadn't slept in twenty-one hours.

"Yes, but they aren't open at one in the morning, of course. Akashi is busy, it would be rude of me to bother him."

"Uh-huh." So it was alright for him to bother Midorima? Violence was growing more tempting by the minute.

"Also, I don't want you to deliver my baby. I don't want you to see my wife naked." Kuroko said frankly, making Midorima choke on his coffee.

"I don't even work in the same BUILDING as the maternity ward." Midorima sighed. He checked the clock. Back to work. "If you'll excuse me, Tetsuya..."

But it didn't just stop at Kuroko. Oh no, his voicemail was full of messages from Kagami like: "Tetsuya's wife wants me to cook her fried rice with chocolate sauce...um, is that okay?"

There was also Momoi squealing his ear off: "You just HAVE to see the baby shower I'm planning—Kuzunari is wonderful help! Oh they'll have the cutes baby-"

Then Daiki would steal the phone. Aomine couldn't STOP talking about how: "If it's a boy I'm going to teach him basketball. Heck, if it's a girl I'm going to teach her basketball. No child of Tetsu's will go without basketball. Oh, Akashi and I will beat up her first boyfriend."

"Dai-chan!" Momoi would scold, and they'd bicker until the voicemail cut them off. Idiot couple.

Then, there were the ever infuriating emails from Akashi, dripping with false sympathy. "Greetings Shintarou. It is unfortunate that you cannot join me in Kyoto at the moment; the cherry blossoms are most beautiful at this time of the year. It seems, that there is still six months before you can visit and relax, no?"

Midorima's work friends understood (yes, he had people who enjoyed his company, much to Takao's continuous surprise), but they too were being driven crazy by Tetsuya's sudden appearances. It seemed that he was growing crazier as the due date was approaching.

And Takao just laughed at him for helping Tetsuya even when Midorima never stopped complaining about it. "You're such a tsundere, Shin-chan. Buy me another drink?"

And Midorima would, hoping for Takao to get the worst hangover imaginable.

He was glad that Kise had been too busy flying commercial planes across the Pacific to torment him even further. Murasakibara and Midorima never really got along that well, but he blessed the giant for sending a box of redbean mochi ever now and then. It kept Midorima from going crazy.

To be fair to the actual future mother, she was reasonably sane, and rather apologetic about Midorima's situation. He supposed that Kuroko was a greater nuisance to her than him.

And so, when Midorima finally had a day off, he made his first order of business to unplug all electronics, draw the blinds and sleep. No matter how many times Kuroko chucked basketballs at his window (he had temporarily installed iron bars) Midorima would allow himself one day off from hell each week. Still, that didn't stop him from helping the soon-to-be mother as much as possible, answering her legitimate questions and offering as much support as he could without being teased by Takao for being "such a tsundere" (because it has been ten years and no, Midorima will never acknowledge such an embarrassing implied personality).

"Oh just admit it, you're happy for them." Takao chuckled. He had come over to make dinner.

Equivalent exchange. Midorima supervised drunk Takao at bars (preventative measures) and Takao made them dinner.

Midorima snorted. "When did I say I was not happy for Tetsuya?"

"He's going to make you explain puberty when the child gets older though. And just imagine when Kise, or worse, AKASHI has kids." Takao enjoyed pointing out Midorima's miseries all to much.

Midorima imagined putting up with his middleschool teammates for another ten years—or the rest of his life—and sighed wearily.

He really didn't get paid enough.


	8. Hopeless, Hopeless Ahomine

AHOmine Day: August 31

Aomine wasn't expecting much. He had hazy memories of his first birthday at Teiko with the team; they were good memories. Ones that he would wake up from, slightly teary eyed, then forget promptly once the sun rose. He hadn't expected anything better after that year. His parents would buy a cake, Momoi would be less naggy than usual, Akashi and Midorima would send formal, boring emails, but that was it. He spent his birthday alone. Someplace he could see the sky.

"Dai-chan! Happy birthday!" Momoi exclaimed happily, leaning over the side of his bed, beaming. He opened his eyes to find himself face to face with...a dog?!

"What the-Satsuki, get it away!" The dog stared at him mournfully, and Aomine got the creepy feeling that it resembled someone.

"Ehhhh...but Nigou is so cute!" Satsuki held the dog closer. "Look, look! He looks like Tetsu-kun!"

Ah. That was it. In the kitchen was Kagami. "Hey, Ahomine. Finally up, Bakaomine?"

"What did you just call me?"

"AHO. Mi. Ne." Kagami said, placing a huge mountain of teriyaki burgers infront of him. "You were drooling in your sleep. Something about Mai-chan."

"Shut up! And what is with all these burgers? How can I eat 'em all? Bakagami." Aomine growled, but still reached for one. It was infuriatingly delicious.

"But you are eating, Ahomine-kun."

"SHIT! Tetsu, you scared me!"

"Ha! Ahomine, what a baby."

"Indeed he is, Bakagami-kun. Ahomine-kun is afraid of ghosts. But you are often startled by my appearances as well, aren't you?"

"THAT'S-" Kagami started to yell, but stopped, breaking into a huge grin. "Ah? Is little baby Ahomine really afraid of ghosts?"

"I said shut up! And stop calling me that!" He took another huge bite, promptly chocking on it as Kise pounced.

"AHOMINECCHI! LET'S PLAY BASKETBALL! C'mon, Midorima is waiting outside with Kasamatsu-senpai and Imayoshicchi!"

"I said to stop calling me that! And why should I care who's here, it is too damn early-wait, Imayoshi...cchi?"

"We're very good friends now!" Kise exclaimed happily. "Kurokocchi told him ALL about Teiko; how you once peed your pants from being startled by him, how you were attracted to us when we cross dressed resulting in your pathological obsession with boobs-"

Aomine, who had just dislodged the chunk of burger from his throat started choking again, but stumbled outside obediently. Now that Imayoshi, that scheming Kansai bastard, knew his secret, who knew what would happen...

About two hours later, five different courts, seven different old ladies scolding them for foul language, two almost-but-not-quite fistfights with Kasamatsu over 'respecting your captain you goddamn brat', three broken Victorian dolls with floral dresses, six heated phonecalls to Kazunari Takao and eleven thrift stores (who knew there were so many in Tokyo) later, Aomine was ready to kill someone.

"Enough. I've had enough of you all."

"Ara, Aomine, don't be such a downer." Imayoshi said in his best 'yes, I am a condescending bastard, and no, you can't do anything about it' voice. "C'mon, let's go to the arcade, why don't we?"

"Yeah!" Kise nodded. "Remember the good old Teiko days? Midorima, text the others to tell them we'll meet there."

"I already have, of course."

"Shin-chan is so prepared." Takao laughed mockingly, imitating the shooting guard. Aomine didn't even KNOW Takao until an hour ago, and had already decided upon disliking the Hawk-eyed point guard.

"Great! Then it is settled!" Imayoshi announced merrily (at Aomine's suffering, no doubt).

And with Kasamatsu (Another person whom Aomine would've rather not been acquainted with) looking ready to give Aomine another lasting bruise, how could he refuse?

The arcade was emptier than he expected, but waiting for them were Kuroko, Nigou and Momoi. "Sorry Dai-chan, Kagami couldn't make it."

"Hell as if I care." Aomine muttered, earning a slap from Kasamatsu.

"Is that any way to talk to a girl?! Ha?!'

"Ow!" Aomine suddenly felt grateful that he had not enrolled in Kaijou.

"It's alright, don't worry about me. You must be Kasamatsu Yukio, third year, former point guard of Kaijou, height: 178cm, weight: 66kg-"

"Momoi-chan, shall we go buy popsicles?" Kuroko interrupted, saving them from Kasamatsu's entire biography.

"Of course, Tetsu-kun!"

The arcade was surprisingly fun, apart from Imayoshi's uncanny knack for winning at everything and anything (Midorima claimed that it was a lucky day for Gemini). Aomine had forgotten; he hadn't gone since...well, the first year of Teiko. He knew that it was Kuroko's usual hangout, but since the team fell apart, he had often opted for rooftops instead for searching for his shadow. Aomine looked behind him, and couldn't help feeling a twinge of remorse, seeing nothing but his own reflection in the tile.

"We're back." Kuroko announced suddenly, appearing right infront of Aomine's eyes. "Why are you staring at your butt, Ahomine-kun?"

He jumped, not even bothering to correct them anymore. "Tetsu! The hell have you and Satsuki been doing the past hour?!"

"I got lost." Kuroko said simply, and promptly disappeared again.

"Tetsu..."

"Now, now...the new haunted house opened recently, just across the street." Imayoshi's glasses caught the light wickedly. "Shall we?"

With Kasamatsu threatening to pulverise him, Kise threatening to smother him and blackmail from Imayoshi, Kuroko and Takao (somehow, that bastard had also joined the 'let's make fun of Aomine because it is amusing' crew. Aomine knew he didn't like Takao.), how could Aomine say no?

He was near death when he emerged outside the haunted house. Countless times, he had been held back by Momoi to prevent him from punching the haunted house workers. Oh how glad he was that Momoi had waited to enter with him. However, only Imayoshi was awaiting him on the other side. "Where are the others?"

"Let's see... Midorima had entered alone, and texted me saying it was time for his piano lessons, so he left. Kuroko disappeared soon after we emerged from the haunted house...I think he scared the workers more than vice verda. Kasamatsu and Takao are being scolded by the manager because Kasamatsu punched three workers out of fear and Takao did nothing but laugh." Imayoshi smiled. "That was fun. Momoi, you screamed a lot. I have water, would you like some?"

"N-no, I'm fine, senpai."

"Oh...?" Imayoshi turned his evil smirk to Aomine, as if he knew all along that Momoi had not uttered a single word in the haunted house. Oh how Aomine wished for the day to end.

"I'm goin' home. Satsuki, you're still coming over for dinner, right?" Aomine's parents were out of town, and Momoi had agreed to eat with him. It felt to pathetic, to be alone on his birthday. Again.

"Of course, Dai-chan!"

"Then I'm leaving." Aomine began walking away, and was startled not to here Momoi running after him, or Imayoshi's psychologically damaging comments chasing him. He looked back, eventually. No one was there.

It was nighttime by the time Aomine got home. He had spent the afternoon lounging on a rooftop, and was thoroughly disappointed. And angry. He was angry for expecting something, and angry for being disappointed. Really, he should know better by now. No more dreams of the past. The door opened and-

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AHOMINE!" A thunderous cheer erupted. Aomine blinked past the balloons and streamers to see...everyone.

The entire Touou team was there, with Imayoshi genuinely grinning (a scarier sight than his normal smirk). There was Kagami, holding a giant, multi-layered cake. There was Midorima, handing him a heavy box telling him that his lucky item was inside. There was Kise, taking pictures and making a nuisance of himself (Kasamatsu beating him to a pulp). There was Akashi and Murasakibara commenting on how their trains got delayed so they had to stall for a bit (well, Murasakibara mostly just stared longingly at the cake). There was Momoi beaming like it was HER birthday. There was Kuroko, leading him to the center of the room. There was presents and food and laughter and chaos and poorly-hidden tears and smuggled alcohol (courtesy of Kise, confiscated by Midorima) and there was Aomine in the center of it all.

He decided that he shouldn't always be looking behind him so much; he'd miss what was right before him.

* * *

Omake

Aomine's gifts

Kuroko: A wristband and new basketball shorts.

Momoi: A pair of new shoes.

Kise: A signed poster of Mai-chan (he collaborated with her once)

Midorima: Two 10lb dumbbells

Murasakibara: Assorted sweets.

Akashi: A three month membership card to a really, really high-class gym.

Kagami and Sakurai: They made the food.

Imayoshi: A little slip of paper that read: 'Don't worry, I won't tell...if you behave at Touou.' and a box of Mai-chan's gravure magazines.

Touou team: A photo album, collected from their games that year.

Teiko former team: A USB of old photos taken by Momoi during their first year.

Aomine wouldn't admit it, but his favourites were the last two.

* * *

A/N: I'm back! Don't worry, I have plenty of chapters ready, with just a bit of tweaking to make up for lost time! I was also thinking of publishing a one-shot, which will eventually become a collection of birthday specials as they come up. It was originally part of this chapter, but that would've been too long. Yay or Nay?

I'm justifying publishing this today because it should be the 31st in Japan, right?


	9. Hopeless, Hopeless Drunk

A/N: Drink responsibly and take a cab. Underage drinking is forbidden; if you drink alcohol you will be tossed into the trash can by Dr. Midorima.

Momoi takes Aomine out for drinks. Misunderstandings ensue.

* * *

"You're finally twenty!" Momoi gushed, as soon as Aomine opened the door. "Let's go-"

"Shh, lower your voice! Ryouta will murder me if he knew I was going to go drinking without him."

"Fine, fine. Are you sure you don't want to invite anyone else?" She asked. At this point, Kise had just rounded a corner and began to evesdrop (mind you, he didn't hear what Aomine said about drinking).

Aomine blushed. "This'll be my first time so..."

Momoi nodded. "Yeah, I understand. No one knows what will happen, and it can get embarrassing."

"I've heard it...hurts?"

"Oh, only afterwards a bit, if you aren't careful! Come on, I've been waiting for this day!"

And so they left, and Kise hurriedly called the first person he could think of. "Shintaroucchi? Shintaroucchi are you busy?"

"Not at the moment. Ryouta, stop speaking so fast. Calm down. Breathe." Midorima ordered, trying to balance his phone against his shoulder. Akashi observed this with interest; he was visiting on business and had stopped by for tea and Shoji (two years after highschool graduation and Midorima had not won once).

"Put him on speakerphone." Akashi suggested. "Ryouta-kun?"

"Sacchi and Daikicchi are gonna..." Momoi blushed, stuttering.

"Ryouta, breathe."

"They're in an...adult relationship." he said lamely.

"Well good for them. Satsuki-chan finally moved on from Tetsuya-kun." Akashi replied ever so calmly, while Midorima was choking on his tea. "Shall I bring a present to congratulate them? Sekihan?"

"For goodness sakes, Seijurou they aren't getting MARRIED." Midorima recovered, mildly amused though mostly annoyed. "In any case, what exactly made you think something so absurd?"

He told them what he had heard. "I'm not mistaken!"

"It sounds like they are serious...Shintarou, do you think they know the risks of-"

"No." Midorima knew where this was going. "Absolutely not, Akashi. I am a medical student, but this is not something I want to be involved in."

"But what if Daikicchi gets hurt? It sounded like he hasn't done THAT before. And Sacchi too!"

This sent Midorima into a new coughing fit. He needed less friends, Midorima decided. Or less nosy ones, anyways.

* * *

It turned out that Aomine was a lightweight. After three beers and one shot of whisky he was blubbering like a fool. "Satsuki there is a fish in your hair."

Momoi, who did not have fish in her hair (but could drink like one) replied, "I think you've had enough to drink...Dai-chan, I promised your mother that I would-"

And Aomine promptly burst into tears.

"Are you alright?!"

"I'll play basketball!" Aomine sobbed. "Don't burn Mai-chan!"

Momoi looked around, embarrassed. "Don't worry, I won't, Daiki-cchi."

"I love Mai-chan." Aomine sighed dreamily. "I'm gonna marry her one day, you know? I have a wedding Pinterest for our marriage."

"D-Dai-chan..." Momoi didn't have the heart to remind Aomine that his idol had gotten married the year prior. The poor guy had a wedding Pinterest!

And then Aomine was suddenly serious. "I've thought of dating you before, you know? But I'd rather date Kagami than her. He can cook."

"I see." Momoi felt a twinge of annoyance but mostly found it funny. "What about Muk-kun then?"

"Atsushi is too big. I'd be worried about our children."

Now Momoi was nothing but amused. "Oh really? How about Sei-kun?"

"I don't wanna be thought of as a gold digger, you know."

"Tetsu-kun?"

"No way, you liked him. That would be wierd."

"Shinkun?"

"No way! Don't listen to Imayoshi he knows nothing!" Aomine was now angry. Momoi noted that he had more mood swings than her.

"What did Imayoshi say?"

"He wanted to date Shintarou! How could you let him?!" Aomine yelled.

"U-um..." Momoi didn't know Imayoshi's preferences; he had probably been messing with Aomine, but who could tell?

Then Aomine sat down again, his eyes glazed over dreamily. "The world is great, you know? I love everything about it."

"O-okay...?" Momoi made a mental note to use this as blackmail when Aomine was being difficult.

* * *

The next morning, Aomine woke up with a terrible headache. He didn't remember anything that had happened the previous night, but found a glass of water and Advil by his nightstand. Thank goodness for Momoi.

"Awake, Daiki?" Midorima and Akashi stood at the doorway.

"What are you doing here?"

Midorima scowled. "Seijurou blackmailed me. I like this far less than you do."

"What are you talking about? How the hell did you guys get in here anyways?"

"Daiki-kun, we know about you and Satsuki-chan. We want to make sure you guys were...safe." Akashi said.

"Of course we were!" Aomine snapped, and felt his head bursting. He waited for the Advil to kick in.

"Then...you know the proper precautive measures?"

"Yeah." Aomine remembered her telling him to drink water and take Advil or something.

"See? May I leave now?" Midorima asked, glaring at the shorter man. Aomine wondered what sort of dirt Akashi had on Midorima.

"No, give him that book we made you buy. Also bring in the Sekihan."

"Sekihan? This is hardly an occasion to celebrate." Not when his head was trying to explode.

"Why of course it is. Now that you and Satsuki-chan are in a serious relationship-"

"What?!" Aomine jumped out of bed, forgetting about his hangover. "No! We just went DRINKING. That's it! She likes Tetsuya! Who gave you that idiotic idea?!"

Akashi blinked. "Oh? Then Ryouta-kun was wrong. Shintarou-"

"No, I'm leaving. I refuse to give Daiki a lesson on the dangers of alcoholism." Midorima scowled even more. He decided that he'd go make new friends, ASAP. Or shun human companionship. Cats were looking a whole lot less troublesome.

* * *

"Ryouta..."

"Ah, D-Daikicchi! You're back!"

"I'M. NOT. DATING. MOMOI." Daiki said through gritted teeth. "We went DRINKING."

Kise's face turned from surprised, to embarrassed, to angry. "How dare you!"

"Huh?"

"I was worried about you, and you went drinking for the first time WITHOUT ME? I thought you were gonna get hurt since you're still a-"

"SHUT THE HELL UP!"

* * *

Omake #1

"Shintarou, do you think Aomine and Kise are in a relationship? Oh, are you alright? You've been coughing a lot recently."

"What-makes-you-think-"

"Well, it's stereotypical, doesn't it? Narusaku, GinHiji, Vegoku...even Murasakibara and Himuro make a good couple, don't they?"

"...who introduced you to doujinshi?"

"Kazunari-kun."

"I...see."

"Oh don't worry, I won't steal him from you-Shintarou, you're coughing again!"

"...I refuse to talk about this subject anymore."

"Tsundere."

"SEIJUROU."

* * *

A/N: I had wanted to write Aomine going drinking with Kise first, but the AoMomo brotp is strong. Their 100% platonic relationship deserves a tribute (who else would deal with Ahomine's drunk self?). In the chapters where the characters are older, I write with them referring to each other casually. I think that they'll relax a bit once they become better friends.

Akashi/Takao brotp game is strong too, tbh. Of course Takao reads fanfic. Who else? (Probably has a tumblr too—he's the one who corrupted Akashi, of course).


	10. Hopeless, Hopeless Yōsen

A/N: I have a headcanon that Takao knows everyone ever (like, regardless of anime or book or whatever) and it confuses Midorima and impresses Akashi so much and I don't know what to do with it. Feel free to take the idea, though message me because I want to check it out! XD

In other news, we don't have nearly as much dorky Yōsen as we need and that shall be fixed.

* * *

"Okay this is starting to piss me off." Fukui said, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Hm? What's wrong, Fukui-senpai?" Himuro asked. Murasakibara rested his chin on Himuro's head (a habit he adopted back in Teiko).

"Muro-chin…is he hungry?"

"No! Seriously, you guys haven't noticed? We've had a rediculous amount of girls watching our practice's recently, its not even funny! Man, I'm starting to see why Kaijou's Kasamatsu is so hard on Kise, it is seriously annoying! And Himuro, don't encourage them!"

"I don't, Fukui-senpai." Himuro laughed quietly. "But it would be rude not to thank them for their support and it is the least I can do-"

"There!" Fukui yelled. "Stop right there! This is what I'm talking about! What are you, a natural con artist? Huh? Some kinda American Host? Go attend Ouran, Tamaki Suoh!"

"Fukui is angry…" Murasakibara held out an empty bag of chips. "Chips?"

"No!"

"Why doest thou care so?" Wei Liu asked, lazily spinning a basketball on his pinky.

"Who do you think has to deal with Okamura bawling his eyes out during the day? Huh?"

"But he cries regardless." Wei Liu pointed out.

"Still! Do something about this, Himuro!"

A couple of days later, their audience had seemed to have doubled. You could practically see the veins on Fukui's forehead throbbing as he tried to tune out the self-pitying howls of Okamura. "Himuro…what is the meaning of this?!"

"I'm not sure either." Himuro seemed confused, though not at all apologetic.

"It is probably that they think Himuro and Murasakibara are a thing. There is a fansite and everything." Wei Liu explained. "By the way, congratulations you two."

"Thank you." Murasakibara said lazily, munching on a cupcake. "Muro-chin, why is he congratulating us?"

"I'm afraid that they are mistaken…" then it dawned on him. "Atsushi, next time I have icing on my face, please do not lick it off. People will misunderstand."

"…fine."

Fukui was at a loss for words. He wondered if he should even bother anymore. "Hey, where is Murasakibara getting all this food from anyways, Himuro? I thought you said that you were going broke from buying him snacks."

"I was, but I didn't mind." Himuro chuckled politely, causing a squeal to errupt from the hoards of girls.

"Hey, I think they also write fanfiction." Wei Liu commented, scrolling through his phone. "Wow, Japanese girls sure are scary...oh look, fanart as well. This is kind of impressive."

"Why is he still more popular than me if they think he is dating Murasakibara?!" Okamura wailed.

"No, I don't think that is the issue-"

"I WANT A GIRLFRIEND!"

"Yeah, that is the issue. Too desperate. Too loud. To Okamura Kenichi."

"Liu, you broke Okamura."

"I'm going to go get more snacks."

And Fukui was contemplating asking Yukio Kasamatsu of Kaijou to switch places with him. Just for a week. Just to beat some sense into this idiotic team.

* * *

"Wow, Kasamatsu, your phone has been ringing a lot today." Kise commented, holding up a shirt. "Hey, this would look good on you!"

"Kise, put that shirt away, we're going to watch Tōō's game, not shopping." Kasamatsu checked the phone. "It's a collect call, so I don't really want to pick up. Weird. Must be looking for someone who had this number before me."

"Or maybe you're cursed, senpai!" Kise suggested cheerfully, earning a slap.

"Idiot!"

* * *

"Ootsubo!"

"Hello? Who is this?"

"Fukui Kensuke of Yōsen! How do you keep Midorima from being an idiot?!"

"The bastard is hard enough on himself. I just threaten him a little."

"…gee, thanks. Threatening Himuro and Murasakibara is about as useful as trying to jump higher than Kagami."

* * *

"Hello?"

"This is Fukui Kensuke of Yōsen."

"How did you even get this number?"

"It doesn't matter. How do you deal with Kagami and Kuroko?"

"What do you mean?"

"Don't they piss you off sometimes?"

"Um…well yeah, like when Kagami is way too heated about basketball and when Kuroko just disappears, but it isn't really anything too bad…"

"God I hate you. Hey, wanna trade for Murasakibara and Himuro?"

"Hell no, bastard!"

"Just thought I'd give it a shot."

"Ha! In your dreams. I KNOW how lucky I am to have non-arrogant aces on my team. Besides, Wakamatsu of Tōō beat you to the offer."

"…ugh."

"Tough luck, buddy."

* * *

"Hi-"

"Ah, Fukui-san of Yōsen!"

"…how the hell did you know it was me?"

"Why, I recognise your number, of course!"

"And how-"

"It doesn't matter."

"…fine. Does Aomine piss you off?"

"Absolutely."

"And what do you do about it?"

"Not much. As long as he continues to win for Tōō, there is no issue with me."

"Are you kidding me?!"

"You remind me of Wakamatsu."

"Well, I can't do NOTHING! Himuro and Murasakibara are okay and all, it's just now there's a fanclub and fanfiction and doujinshi…"

"Oh I know. Sei-chan, I believe, founded the Facebook page. Kazu-chan has been an avid participator in the fanfiction community as well."

"WHO THE HELL-"

"Ara, Fukui-san…don't worry, you're problem will be taken care of very soon…"

* * *

There had been rumours that Coach Masako Araki was formerly in a gang, but this was never proven. So when the fansites were all mysteriously shut down, the fangirls mysteriously chased away from the gym, and Himuro mysteriously forbidden from any sort of interaction with the female kind that might be absolutely nonplatonic for the rest of his basketball career, not one person pointed a finger at Coach Araki. And not because they feared what would happen to them if they did. Nope, not at all.

* * *

A/N: Oh poor Fukui, that unfortunate tsukkomi. Besides, I don't see how the KnB community can just ignore the precious canon material of Coach Araki the former Yankee so here ya go!

(Is my irrational infatuation with Imayoshi is showing yet?)


End file.
